Author Profession

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Profession : Comedian

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Profession : Comedian

Always do whatever’s next.

Profession : Comedian

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

Profession : Comedian

You don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t predict what’s going to happen. You just have to let it happen.

Profession : Comedian

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Profession : Comedian

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Profession : Comedian

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

Profession : Comedian

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Profession : Comedian

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Profession : Comedian