George Carlin - Epic Quotes

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Always do whatever’s next.

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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