Author Name

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Author : George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Author : George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

Author : George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Author : George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Author : George Carlin

Think off-center.

Author : George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Author : George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Author : George Carlin

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

Author : George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Author : George Carlin